How do I stop repeating the same relationship mistakes?

Suzette:  I recently got out of a relationship but looking back, I don't like the way I acted. I didn't treat him how I would want to be treated, but worse, I feel like I was always on the defensive. I saw the relationship in terms of all of my past relationships and was quick to interpret his words/actions based on things that previous boyfriends had done. How do I let that go so that in my next relationship I can see the person for who they are, and not jump to conclusions and assume I already know what they are thinking or what their motivations are?

Jane:  What you're experiencing is the result of one or more limiting decisions in the area of relationships, which cause defensive emotions to be triggered.  Limiting decisions are unconscious decisions made in early childhood that are always some form of that life doesn't work and/or there is something inherently wrong with you, such as:  "I am unlovable," "I'm inadequate," "men can't be trusted," "people don't care about each other," and so on.  Limiting decisions result in people leaving their here-and-now experience in the areas in which they were formed, so when they are triggered by some person or circumstance, they can't be present to what is actually happening in the moment.  It's like you are in a flashback state. 

Also, where there are limiting decisions formed in relation to an early significant person in your life -- most likely your mother or father -- it affects who you recognize as potential intimate relationships.  So that you filter in people like that original person, and filter out those not like him/her.  For instance if you made the limiting decision that men can't be trusted, the men you would attract or be attracted to, as an adult, would either actually be untrustworthy; or you would relate to them in a way in which they would respond that way; or you would interpret their actions to mean that they can't be trusted, whether it's true or not.  This is upholding the reality that you locked into your unconscious mind.

In areas in which people have made limiting decisions that they can't get something that is important to them, such as emotional commitment from a man, they have closed the channels for receiving commitment in reality.  And they likely wouldn't notice it if a man was truly committed.  Instead they decide on symbolic ways for the other person to behave that represents emotional commitment to them.  This symbolic behavior then is a substitute for you actually getting the emotional commitment you want.  And so if a man in your life doesn't behave in those symbolic ways, you might interpret him as not being committed to the relationship with you, and therefore you would react as though he is wronging you.  This ends up in pushing him away, effectively proving to yourself that your limiting decision is true.

Because the decision resides on an unconscious level (which is why you keep finding yourself acting in the same way even though you consciously know better), to be effective, the change has to also be made on an unconscious level.  It's necessary to change the structure of how you interpret that kind of relationship.  To do that takes some effective form of change-work.  The NLP TimeLine process is the most effective way I know of to get to the root limiting decision and clear it.

© 2011 Jane Ilene Cohen