"I'm afraid to tell my girlfriend I love her"

Allen:My girlfriend wants me to tell her I love her and I never tell her that, even though I do love her.  The problem is if I tell her I love her, she thinks that means I'm committed to being in a marriage kind of relationship with her, and I'm too uncertain about if we're really a match to want to imply that.  I'm afraid I'll end up hurting her, by building up her hopes and then disappointing her.

Jane:There are two different things involved here.  One is your ability to be emotionally present with another person; and two, whether you're on the same life path as she is on.  Loving someone doesn't imply that it has to be a particular form of relationship.  It can both be true that you do love her (which in general is the truth between people if you're really connected to yourself and connected to the other person), and also that you're not certain you want to be in a marriage kind of relationship with her.   You don't decide in advance that the relationship is this or it's that.  You explore it to see what it is.  Is it a friendship; is it a work relationship; is it a romantic relationship?  What is it?  But the most important ingredient is love, and being able to truly connect with whomever you are in relationship with, regardless of the form the particular relationship ends up taking.  If you're open to love, then it's just a matter of finding the truth of what the form of that relationship actually is.  What gets in the way of this are people's investment in the symbolism the form of the relationship takes, because it gives them a sense of having control in relation to the other person.  You know what to expect to some degree, rather than an ongoing process of finding out what is actually true.  This requires really being present with each other, rather than relating to each other as a symbol.

Being truthful never ends up hurting the other person in reality.  It appears you are avoiding being truthful with her about both your love for her and your doubts in relation to her.  And that keeps the relationship treading water, going nowhere, which is no good for either of you.  It is a lack of trusting that what is actually true will work out in the highest interest of both of you.  You've talked previously about the lack of trust between the two of you.  The lack of trust is really about not trusting what is true.  Both of you are so afraid of finding out what is actually true that you have been manipulating yourselves and each other to try to make the relationship feel safe to you.  And since both of you know (at least unconsciously) that you are being manipulated, it just adds to your ever increasing lack of trust.

© Jane Ilene Cohen 2011