Q & A: "I Don't Know What a Loving Person Is or Does Now"
This "Ask Jane" is a continuation of one that came out a week ago called "My wife has gone off the deep end." I'm describing the continuing journey of a client who is dealing with a very difficult situation at home. To read the first part, click here.(Real names are never used.)
Peter was saying his wife is more irrational than ever and it is a living hell for him. And nothing seems to help her. He has no personal space in their home. Whenever she wants to ask or tell him something, she interrupts him or just starts talking. It doesn't matter if he's sleeping in the middle of the night or if he's working in his office. She just barges right in. She tries to hang up the phone when he's talking with someone she doesn't want him to talk with. He's making plans to work outside of his home so he can get some work done, but he feels bad for her spending the whole day alone by herself, probably in bed. She keeps thinking she has everything wrong with her and gets into panics about it, such as thinking she has diabetes when she doesn't. She believes she isn't breathing, when she is. And so he tries to demonstrate to her that she is in fact breathing, and so on. At times when she gets more rational, he thinks things are getting better. And then she goes off the wall again. He's generally a person who is unemotional and never cries, but he's been feeling so stressed he finds himself crying frequently.
Peter: "I don't know what a loving person is or does now."
Jane: "This is not about you doing the 'right behavior.' What's more important than taking certain actions, or changing your behavior in relation to your wife, is changing your insides. This situation is forcing to deal with your own unconscious, childhood limiting decisions*. And it is breaking through your own emotional defense systems**. I can't necessarily tell you what the right thing to do is, because I'm not in your situation. But I can help you find and clear the limiting decisions*. that are distorting your experience of reality in your relationship with your wife. We clear them, and your experience shifts in you; and then the way forward becomes clear.
Right now you're supporting your wife's insanity to some degree. A good example of this is when she is convinced there is something wrong with her, when there clearly isn't. And then you get upset and try to convince her there isn't. When you're trying to convince her or change her, it's because you're leaning on her to define what your sense of reality is. You're triggered by her irrationality, and are trying to get her to be rational, because when she's irrational that means you can't lean on her for your reality. Any place you're emotionally triggered by her and therefore coming from that triggered place, you're supporting her insanity. You're supporting the reality paradigm she's living in. She's in a power-struggle with you, and you're in a power-struggle back, and feeling controlled by her. But what your power-struggle actually is against are the emotions that are coming up in you that are triggered by her.
The best thing you can do to help her is to come into reality yourself, so you are standing in your own direct experience of reality. And then you relate to her from that place. As you clear the limiting decisions* in you and come more into reality, you're connecting to her from your heart to her heart, in the real world in relation to her. You're holding the truth of what's really true between you and her, despite the way she's acting, which is outside of the reality of what is true. And then you're not being controlled by the insanity that's coming from her. And you're also coming from a compassionate place, which includes compassion for yourself. It includes you in the picture. And so you're no longer letting her insanity rule the situation between you.
Who knows -- this could be the best thing anyone could do for your wife right now -- to be actually going through the process with her, and coming into reality and relating to her more and more in reality. It could perhaps bring her into reality."
Several months later Peter's wife did break out of the psychotic state she had been in. She had been in a therapeutic program, so it's hard to tell how much the changes Peter went through, and the shifts in how he was relating to her, contributed to her regaining her sanity. But it appears it had a lot to do with it. They are now in the best relationship with each other they've ever had.
*Limiting decisions: An NLP term used in NLP TimeLine counseling sessions to mean unconscious decisions, made in early childhood, that are some form of that life doesn't work, and usually that there is something inherently wrong with you -- such as "I am powerless," "bad," "unlovable;" "People can't be trusted," and so on. Limiting decisions are never true. NLP TimeLine counseling sessions facilitate clearing limiting decisions, in order to release the negative patterns in your life that are caused by them. For more information on limiting decisions and NLP TimeLine sessions, go to: http://www.janecohencounseling.com/content/counseling-services
**An emotional defense system is what people create to compensate for, and block awareness of, limiting decisions. They can be used to manipulate people around you to prevent them from activating the limiting decision in you. Emotional defense systems create an unreal, limited world that blocks or cushions you from present moment experience, where you would find out the truth about your limiting decisions.
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Author's Bio: Jane Ilene Cohen is an Intuitive & Transformational NLP Counselor, and an NLP & TimeLine Master Practitioner & Hypnotherapist, with a private practice in San Diego North County (Encinitas). She does individual counseling with children and adults (includes the NLP TimeLine Process and hypnosis), works with couples and families, and facilitates groups and workshops. She is also the Founder of the "Life is Meant to Work" thought system.
For more about Jane's counseling services, go to www.janecohencounseling.com/content/counseling-services . For a free phone consultation to decide if this is right for you, call Jane at (760) 753-0733.